I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
