you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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