Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
