a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's just so happy...and so naked.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
