yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
