My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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