This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
