Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
do herpes really smell.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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