I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
