can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
this is an emotional support booty call
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
