He disabled his match.com account in front of me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
