I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
