I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm having to shit out rocks
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
