i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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