thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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