Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
