i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
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If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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