I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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