did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
All the doctor said was why
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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