They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
