Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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