I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
