Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
