So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
