Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
