so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
PANTIES FOUND
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
