This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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