My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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