That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
