I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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