You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
