I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
