I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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