the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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