I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
