I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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