Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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