I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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