Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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