Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
