matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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