Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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