I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
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We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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