I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's blow job season.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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