All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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