i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
