Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i think my cat just said my name.
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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