she woke up with a sticky ear
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize