I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
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I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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