I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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