My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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