ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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